Young Folks, Old Folks, Everybody Come

I've always enjoyed singing the alternate versions of Bible stories. The chorus goes

Young folks, old folks, everybody come
Come join the Sunday School and have a lot of fun
Please check your chewing gum and razors at the door
And you'll hear some Bible stories like you never heard before

So without further ado, here are some verses I've come up with

Israel had some children, they made a few mistakes
Complained against Jehovah, so He rustled up some snakes
Couple bites and the kids said if He fixed it they'd applaud
So Moses grabbed a serpent and he wrapped it round his rod 

Lot and his wife found Sodom fairly cosy
Till one day they had guests and the neighbors got too nosy
Well, a pesky crowd around the door began a-hammering
But even though they squinted they still couldn't see a thing 

Lot had a couple daughters, and, boy, they liked to date
But they ran out of prospects when their city burned to flakes
They looked upon their father and they said, "Hey, you're a man"
It took a couple drinks but now they fill a twelve-seat van

Noah lived a long time, six hundred years or so
A whole life at a desk job had made it go real slow
One day he saw some elephants and got an affixation
So he started herding animals and changed his occupation

Saul was a tall man, he also was the king
But, boy, did he get jealous of that kid who had the sling
One day he grabbed a spear and said, "David, you should know
That you're not the only person in this castle who can throw"

Abraham and Isaac went marching up a hill
Cause that's the primest real estate when you've got things to kill
Well Isaac got to looking and said, "Where's the sacrifice?"
Abraham said, "Snap a selfie, make it look real nice"

The children of Israel out in the wilderness
They stuffed their mouths with Mana and made a crummy mess
When they were done they smacked their lips and said, "Our mouths are dry"
So Moses fought a boulder and he made that boulder cry

A Quiet Place of Inconsistencies

Saw this movie and was confused as to why it's been getting such good reviews. It has an interesting premise, but it's replete with inconsistencies and idiocies.

First thing that's hard to believe, where is the government? I don't care what sort of armor these creatures have, we have intercontinental ballistic missiles. You know that they're immediately attracted to sound. Blast some metalcore in some remote area, wait for a ton of them to come, then nuke 'em. Or, have a drone blaring out the Numa Numa song over a volcano. No weakness? Their weakness is nuclear warheads.

While still on the topic of the aliens, how in the world can they navigate the world (running through the forest, walking through a house including stairs), but they can't find prey unless the prey specifically makes noise? Stupid.

And the creatures can tear through a silo wall in under a second, but can only superficially wound an old truck? The aliens move really fast...unless they're near a main character. Then they slowly stalk around. More examples of creating rules then ignoring them, which just makes for a shoddy story.

Has no one coughed? No snoring, sneezing, farting, burping, tripping and falling, toe stubbing (they are going barefoot), choking on food? How do they farm (especially harvesting) or build things (can't use hammers or saws)? Where are they getting all this electricity? Generators are super loud, and they require fuel (making fuel is a loud process). It's especially hard to believe the deaf girl hasn't accidentally made some noise at some point. They try not to make creaking noises while walking in the house, but houses, especially old ones, make noises all the time. They put sand everywhere. Does it never rain there?

John Krasinski shows his son you can shout if there's a louder noise. Why don't they move next to a huge river or waterfall? Or find a holm in the middle of a river? Or try and find an underground bunker? Or at least move somewhere with carpet! Why not have speakers in the forest constantly playing loud sounds, perhaps even switching which speaker is playing before the creatures arrive, sending them into a never-ending sprint? I mean, they do have access to unlimited electricity. No, the only possibility is some rockets that last less than a minute and your child has to set of by hand.

I hate movies where the conflict is based off stupidity. Instead of saying, hey, let's try and keep ourselves and our current children alive, the main characters decide, let's have an effing baby. A BABY. A machine that only produces excrement and noise. Are you gonna keep it in that box for four years?

For how important silence is, they really give their little kid a long leash at the start of the movie. Another conflict based on stupidity. If they were truly worried about their lives, they would police that kid a lot more. Also, when the kid has the loud rocket, Krasinski is sprinting, making lots of noise with his feet. Why does the creature only attack the kid? Why don't more creatures come?

The nail. When Emily Blunt snags her bag on the nail, it catches the head. She pulls it, and somehow it switches to the point sticking up? What?

Okay, that's plot inconsistencies, now I'll touch on a couple technical issues. The beginning took way too long. It establishes pretty quickly that you can't make noise. Half an hour later...we're still going over the fact that you can't make noise. C'mon, assume a little more intelligence in the viewer.

Jump scares are lowbrow horror, and this movie was full of them. Worse, the majority of them were fake-outs. I'm convinced the bloody hand jump scare was an inside joke put in by Krasinski haha. It's just way too cliché otherwise.

Like I said, interesting concept. I liked that it was a family too. Emily Blunt's acting during the labor/birth scene was phenomenal. But way too many inconsistencies to call it a good movie. I think a lot of people are conflating their feelings for the actors' past work with the quality of the film in question.

The Things I Didn't Like About Black Panther

This is going to be my second post griping about a popular movie. Who knows if it'll become a recurring thing. Ha, by me doing this, it's almost certain that someone will absolutely shred my books apart in the same way someday. Oh well, I'll have deserved it.

Advanced technology, backward government

I find it very unlikely that a country with their level of technology would be led by an absolute monarch. What's more, a monarch who's decided through trial by combat. You're telling me that over their thousand-plus-year history, not one king has been a warmonger? Felt the desire to conquer with their superior technology? That every man who rose to power through their might-makes-right methodology has always had peaceful intentions only?

Vibranium power creep

It seemed like every time I blinked, vibranium gained some new fantastic ability. Invincibility. Medical panacea. Gravity defiance. At this point I'm more interested in finding out what this glowing deus ex machina can't do.

T'challa "dies"

This isn't necessarily a mistake, but more of a "why would you do something so painfully obvious?" As soon as Killmonger challenged him, you knew they were going to fight on the waterfall and T'challa would "die" by going over, only to later come back and defeat his cousin. I think that could have been circumvented to a decent degree if the combat wasn't on the edge of a waterfall. 

Purple drank

So they get these superpowers through purple flower punch. I can't recall it ever being explained why only one person at a time can become superhuman. Why not make the whole country into black panthers? And you know, perhaps the comics clear this up, but that doesn't help when we're judging the movie on its own merits.

Obligatory car chase

Why are you giving chase in cars? You have an invisible, flying vibranium ship! Also, the general throws her spear, it lodges in the road, and it brings an entire moving car to an immediate stop. Then her car gets exploded, and she's surfing down the road on the door. For some reason, her slamming her spear into the ground doesn't stop her for many yards. Guess she has more momentum than an entire SUV. Additionally, they went on a mission to get a little piece of vibranium, but then she left the first spear in the road?

Killmonger's plan

Here's a dude who graduated Annapolis early (you can't start until 17, and you have to adhere to their strict 4-year schedule, but he graduated at 19?), then he graduated MIT, and for some reason he can't wrap his head around why arming random people (he obviously doesn't support background checks) with WMD is a bad idea? C'mon, if you're going to make his logic so faulty, don't give him such an intelligent background.

All these people are not united under a single banner, save some vague notions. What happens to the ones who don't want to follow your program? This isn't organized like the military; there are no options for reprimand. As soon as you give out those weapons it's a free-for-all. There might be some cohesion at first, but it'll fall apart.

Killmonger's plan II

Why even bother with Korea and the CIA? Killmonger has no compunctions over murder, so why didn't he kill his team off in the UK and just fly straight to Wakanda with Klaue's body? Going to Korea and doing a deal with the CIA seem like ridiculously unnecessary extra steps. "But then T'challa and crew wouldn't have dispatched and faced off with Klaue." Yes, exactly. This whole plot point is there only because the plot needed it, not because it makes sense.

Final battle is a rip-off of Phantom Menace

1. The natives are having a giant face-off involving blue force shields on a grassy hill.

2. Out-of-his-element pilot has to fly a system he gets unwittingly forced into, then destroys ships, saving the planet.

3. The hero faces off against the villain in face-to-face, color-coded combat, battling on thin platforms above a high drop, and the combatants keep getting walled off from each other.

Duplicate ending scenes

Why would you have the movie end with T'challa smiling to himself, thinking about Wakanda, then have it end exactly the same way again after a few minutes of credits? That was weird.

Polymath sister

I know it's a common trope to have one "science super expert" in a movie, but it still annoys me. People spend their whole (very intelligent) lives getting PhDs and doing research in very narrow fields at the exclusion of learning about other things, yet she manages to know and do everything all while being socially normal?

Northern lights

So T'challa drinks the Kool-aid and goes to the ancestral plane. Why are there (admittedly cool-looking) auroras? This is supposed to be a place of pure tradition. Did the ancestors come from northern Europe or something? Felt very out-of-place. Just imagine if this had been a movie where a viking visits his ancestral plane and there were purple zebras.

Leave the child

What exactly was the issue with them taking the child (Killmonger) back to Wakanda? You just tell him the truth, that his father betrayed Wakanda, then when confronted about it, he tried to kill another citizen in front of the king and was killed in defense. Better than leaving a kid with knowledge of Wakanda out rogue in the world.

Recap

There were a few other bits and bobs that I omitted (insignificant things like hands being in different places or window tint varying from cut to cut; those things happen even in the best movies). But there were too many other things that keep me from saying this was a great movie. Definitely had some cool stuff (I loved the visuals for the most part), but nevertheless.

A Better Ending to Harry Potter

Click to skip the introduction

Harry Potter had some great characters, ones that compelled you to read about them. The worldbuilding isn't too special. We've seen magical boarding schools, saying cantrips to invoke magic, using a channeling agent (wand) to perform magic, centaurs, trolls, potions, divination, herbology, teleportation, transfiguration, etc., etc (quidditch, however, was an excellent innovation). In many places the worldbuilding is just awful. For example, in a world where the government controls a reliable method of time travel, there should be no crime. You know exactly when and where each crime takes place. Maybe you should pop by five minutes before and throw a cheeky binding spell on them with those wands you got.

But one of the things I really didn't like was the ending. A book is only as good as its promises' fulfillment. Granted, the primary promise of Harry Potter is that Harry will defeat the Dark Lord. But I felt like there was a level of "Harry will become a powerful wizard" thrown in there too, which didn't happen. He learned like four spells and won by a fluke of wand ownership. I can't believe I read over a million words just to come to that conclusion.

A note on wand ownership: kids practice dueling and such all the time. Wand ownership in Hogwarts should be royally effed. Why wouldn't they have practice wands for such circumstances? This is another example of shoddy worldbuilding—an instance where she introduced a new element without considering how it affected that which came before.

The love magic/sacrificial protection was also a mess. Everyone was so dumbfounded when Harry survived as a child. Has no one in this world ever sacrificed themselves for another person? James sacrificing himself didn't save Lilly? The implementation at the end of book seven was even worse. You have to die in order for love magic to activate. Harry chooses to come back and it somehow still affects the Hogwartsers.

Harry Potter: "I was ready to die to stop you from hurting these people —"
Lord Voldemort: "But you did not!"
Harry Potter: "— I meant to, and that's what did it. I've done what my mother did. They're protected from you. Haven't you noticed how none of the spells you put on them aren't binding? You can't torture them. You can't touch them."

What kind of counterintuitive hogwash is that? "I meant to die. Duh, why else would I have chosen to come back? Lol, Voldiboi so stuped."

Alright. So I've outlined some of my problems with the ending. My biggest one is the wand ownership fluke. It just made the victory feel so cheap; felt like it betrayed the promise of the whole series. I'll reiterate, the promise of Harry Potter is, Harry will defeat Voldemort. Harry won because he said "expeliarmus" once to Draco. That's an exceedingly interchangeable cog; anyone could have done that. It really felt like it was chance and not Harry that defeated Voldemort. Like, we've been building up the whole series on this promise, and then it goes and tries to shove the wrong puzzle piece into the hole.

It felt like the type of ending you'd see in a comedy. Like Douglas Adams would have come up with the same thing. You've spent all this time prepping to fight the Dark Lord, then you defeat him by accident.

Without further ado, here's my shot at writing a more satisfying ending (obviously an outline).

A Better Ending

Harry goes to Voldemort, offers himself, and enters the crossroads of twilight where he chills with Dumbledore. During the chat, Albus says Harry can choose to return should he wish. Harry says no, that would negate his sacrifice (perhaps even mentioning the love magic). Dumbledore smiles and says, "Alright, let's be off then." They get up to leave King's Cross.

Then Voldemort appears.

It's the fraction of his soul that was horcruxed away inside Harry all these years.

"Death never felt so good, did it, Potter?" (Or whatever evil line he says.) "You realize your sacrifice is a farce, don't you? It doesn't matter if I can't directly harm your little friends, I have deatheaters plenty for that. We will break them. Enslave them. Use them to kill and rise to power across the world."

Voldemort continues to talk and reveals something (I'm not sure what, could just be general goading like above), which causes Harry realize he needs to go back. He tells Dumbledore, who is about to send him on his way.

Then Voldemort attacks.

Harry duels the fraction of the Dark Lord's soul on the crossroads of twilight—the fraction that he's been fighting all these years. Unbridled, raw magic flows between them, but Voldemort is only a fraction of what he should be, so he can't tap into the magic as well. Harry obliterates the soul fragment, then turns to Dumbledore.

"I can't let them fight this alone. But I need something I can do. Please, professor, there must be some dueling tip or other magic trick you can give me. If I time everything right, I can show up and defeat Voldemort before the deatheaters even know what's happening. Even if they kill me again after that, I need to save my friends."

"Well, Harry, things are a bit fuzzy on this side of thing. Tell me, does Voldemort currently possess the Elder Wand?"

"Yes."

"Ah. If I'm not mistaken, you disarmed Malfoy some weeks ago, yes?"

"I did."

"And it wasn't all that long ago young Draco disarmed me. I wonder who then is the proper owner of the Elder Wand?"

"Well wouldn't it be Voldemort, because he did just kill me."

"Harry, correct me if I'm wrong, but you just defeated Voldemort, did you not?"

Hope swells in Harry's chest. "Professor, are you saying—"

Dumbledore smiles. "Go, Harry. There may yet be some help you can give."

End chapter. The next chapter starts with Voldemort and friends saying come join us to the goodfolk of Hogwarts. When no one does, battle breaks out. The rest of the chapter is a montage of different characters locked in war, and the whole time you're thinking, where the heck is that Potter boy?

Next chapter. Harry opens his eyes and takes in what's going on. He spots Voldemort not too far away, gets up, and shouts, "Tom."

The Dark Lord turns and freaks out. "Potter? How in the acromantula tits are you alive?"

"Magic, you dumb twat. Now give me my wand."

"Your wand? How about I give you this, avada kedavra!"

A blast of green energy flies at and bounces off Harry. Voldemort recoils in shock and shoots another killing spell. Harry advances.

"I said, give me my wand," Harry says as death curses continue to glance off him.

"How are you doing that?" Voldemort says between green blasts.

"I said—" Harry reaches out his hand and performs a silent accio spell. The Elder Wand leaps from the Dark Lord's fingers to Harry's. "Give. Me. My. Wand."

Tom Riddle falls back, arm flung in front of his face.

"When people ask about today, I'll simply tell them you died as you lived. With a flash of green. AVADA KEDAVRA."

Recap

Obviously this is just a hash-up of ideas, and it's just a first draft at that. There are definitely things that could be made better. But I hope you see the merits of this idea.

1. This delivers on the promise of the series. It makes the revelation of wand ownership a lot more impactful. It's much less of a shoehorned-in, nearly after-the-fact "twist," and more of an exciting, actionable reveal. Makes defeating Voldemort a choice rather than an accident.
2. This gets rid of the love magic problem at the end. No weird, lumpy logic there. No, "I broke the fundamental rule of sacrificial protection, but it still works anyway."
3. Harry actually gets to fight and defeat Voldemort—twice. The first time is an intense magic battle of unbridled proportions. The second is a straightforward, "you are puny, I am mighty" smackdown. It's not won on a fluke, but because Harry actually was the better wizard (at the crossroads, which translates to the Battle of Hogwarts).
4. It allows Harry to directly defeat the fraction of Voldemort's soul that had been lodged within him his entire life. I think the whole "Voldemort kills his own horcrux" was clever. I think it would have been more clever if Harry had planned it (honestly he might have, it's been awhile since I read the books). I also think it would be very satisfying if Harry was able to defeat it himself.
5. Also, I personally am partial to the idea of Harry using the killing spell once, to finally defeat the Dark Lord.

What do you think? Have any ideas to add?